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we had that Ray Mears round

he’s a bloody pest though

 - chopped down half the azaleas

making himself a bivvy


and Bear Grylls

he’s only gone & seen off next-door’s cat

now he’s sucking the bones

& waiting while his billy boils


and Ranulph Fiennes

with his oxygen & defib

standing atop the shed

peering off into the distance

all peeling skin & salty lips


and Melinda Messenger’s due any minute

she’s giving me a hand

with my erection

 - I’m bloody hopeless at scaffolding.